It was a peaceful morning in my peaceful and unassuming village of Kakariko. I could hear the birds singing outside my window, people talking, and my cooking on the stove. I was a happy wife waiting for her husband to come home.
Suddenly, this kid bursts into my house, wearing some sort of green pajamas and a hat, armed with a sword and shield. He looks at me with an expressionless face. Then, without saying a word, he goes to my kitchen and breaks my vases, takes the money hidden in some of them, goes through my drawers, goes into the basement, shatters everything down there, comes back upstairs, slashes at one of my chickens with his sword and fucking sets a bomb next to another. BOOM!
Just as muted as when he came in, he leaves.
What the fuck...
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Videogame Anecdote #3: Metal Gear Solid
So I recently got together with this girl who I had met a while ago and whom I thought had a great butt. Meeting this girl meant a huge change in my life as I was not accustomed to living with any other people and now, almost instantaneously, I had a girl living with me at my cabin in the middle of the woods.
Everything was fine at first because it was all fun and games. We could not keep our hands off each other.
Girls are interesting in that they seem to change your surroundings as if by magic. I loved my cabin the way I had it, it was austere and minimalistic. Manly. Out of nowhere, a pillow, then another pillow, then a throw pillow, pillows everywhere. Where do all these damn pillows come from?
I hate it. I hate it because I'm used to the layout of my place and at night when I wake up and have to go to the bathroom, I always walk to it with all the lights turned off and then, unexpectedly, I step on a fucking pillow and I'm all like [!].
Everything was fine at first because it was all fun and games. We could not keep our hands off each other.
Girls are interesting in that they seem to change your surroundings as if by magic. I loved my cabin the way I had it, it was austere and minimalistic. Manly. Out of nowhere, a pillow, then another pillow, then a throw pillow, pillows everywhere. Where do all these damn pillows come from?
I hate it. I hate it because I'm used to the layout of my place and at night when I wake up and have to go to the bathroom, I always walk to it with all the lights turned off and then, unexpectedly, I step on a fucking pillow and I'm all like [!].
Monday, July 18, 2011
Videogame Anecdote #2: Tetris
(Excerpt from interview)
Interviewer: Welcome back to the show and thank you for joining us. If you're just tuning in, we've got a treat for you today as we have here for you the great writer, philosopher, musician, artist, and star of the Tetris games, Mr. Long Piece! Mr. Piece, once again, thank you for joining us today.
Mr. Piece: My pleasure, thank you for having me.
Interviewer: So please, continue your story.
Mr. Piece: As I fell, I saw that below me my friends were waiting for me and they had arranged for me to snugly fit at the edge of the group. There was a group of them three lines high with a vertical space that seemed to be made just for me. Destiny.
I fell and fell, almost with a purpose. When I got to the bottom and took my place, immediately all of them seemed to simply vanish into thin air with not even a goodbye. They disappeared, went away, taking with them most of my being. I felt like all that was left was but a piece of me, a fourth of what I had once been.
Interviewer: Fascinating! What happened then?
Mr. Piece: The remainder of me was simply left there all alone, left there to think, left there to see how sad it all was...
Interviewer: Welcome back to the show and thank you for joining us. If you're just tuning in, we've got a treat for you today as we have here for you the great writer, philosopher, musician, artist, and star of the Tetris games, Mr. Long Piece! Mr. Piece, once again, thank you for joining us today.
Mr. Piece: My pleasure, thank you for having me.
Interviewer: So please, continue your story.
Mr. Piece: As I fell, I saw that below me my friends were waiting for me and they had arranged for me to snugly fit at the edge of the group. There was a group of them three lines high with a vertical space that seemed to be made just for me. Destiny.
I fell and fell, almost with a purpose. When I got to the bottom and took my place, immediately all of them seemed to simply vanish into thin air with not even a goodbye. They disappeared, went away, taking with them most of my being. I felt like all that was left was but a piece of me, a fourth of what I had once been.
Interviewer: Fascinating! What happened then?
Mr. Piece: The remainder of me was simply left there all alone, left there to think, left there to see how sad it all was...
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Good Deed of the Day
I was at the Best Buy looking to buy a wired XBOX 360 controller (don't ask) when I was approached by a pair of kids who looked about 16 or 17. One of them told me that they had tried to buy L. A. Noire but the cashier would not sell it to them because they were underage.
They asked me if I would buy it for them.
I immediately said no and they insisted lightly. I asked them to have a parent come with them to buy it for them but they said their parents wouldn't. They were walking away disappointing when I thought to myself, "Fuck it." I called the kids and asked for the game and their money, which they gave to me happily. I told them to go wait for me outside the store so we wouldn't be seen together and proceeded to pay for my controller and their game.
Outside the store, I gave them their game and they began telling me how cool I was; I just told them not to worry about it and to enjoy the game.
I know I should not have bought that game for them from an ethical standpoint, but I also know that the game will have nothing those kids have not already seen on the internet and then some so I saw no real problem with doing it.
You're welcome kids, whoever you were.
They asked me if I would buy it for them.
I immediately said no and they insisted lightly. I asked them to have a parent come with them to buy it for them but they said their parents wouldn't. They were walking away disappointing when I thought to myself, "Fuck it." I called the kids and asked for the game and their money, which they gave to me happily. I told them to go wait for me outside the store so we wouldn't be seen together and proceeded to pay for my controller and their game.
Outside the store, I gave them their game and they began telling me how cool I was; I just told them not to worry about it and to enjoy the game.
I know I should not have bought that game for them from an ethical standpoint, but I also know that the game will have nothing those kids have not already seen on the internet and then some so I saw no real problem with doing it.
You're welcome kids, whoever you were.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Videogame Anecdote #1: Super Mario Bros.
Hello,
My name is Mario and I am a plumber.
One time, I went into Bowser's Castle looking for my girlfriend, Princess Peach. As soon as I entered I was welcomed by an array of devices designed to stop me from getting to Bowser and my girlfriend, who was being kept there against her will. I jumped over obstacles and bottomless pits, on top of turtles bent on my destruction, I ducked under rotating columns of fire, resisted the murderous, strength-sapping heat inside, I even fought Bowser himself!
The fight ended with me running towards Bowser ready to strike the final blow with all my strength, only to have a last second change of heart and ducking under his mighty jump intended to stomp me. I jumped one last time with what was left of my strength, pulled the lever securing the bridge that suspended Bowser and me over the lava pit. The bridge collapsed, Bowser fell, I was safe on the other side, I ran towards my love.
Alas! In the other room was nothing but a Toad, just sitting there. He said to me, "Sorry Mario, the Princess is in another castle."
Exhausted, injured, hot, and sweaty. I remember thinking, "Son of a bitch..."
My name is Mario and I am a plumber.
One time, I went into Bowser's Castle looking for my girlfriend, Princess Peach. As soon as I entered I was welcomed by an array of devices designed to stop me from getting to Bowser and my girlfriend, who was being kept there against her will. I jumped over obstacles and bottomless pits, on top of turtles bent on my destruction, I ducked under rotating columns of fire, resisted the murderous, strength-sapping heat inside, I even fought Bowser himself!
The fight ended with me running towards Bowser ready to strike the final blow with all my strength, only to have a last second change of heart and ducking under his mighty jump intended to stomp me. I jumped one last time with what was left of my strength, pulled the lever securing the bridge that suspended Bowser and me over the lava pit. The bridge collapsed, Bowser fell, I was safe on the other side, I ran towards my love.
Alas! In the other room was nothing but a Toad, just sitting there. He said to me, "Sorry Mario, the Princess is in another castle."
Exhausted, injured, hot, and sweaty. I remember thinking, "Son of a bitch..."
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